Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Matru ki Bijli ka Mandola - 2 (The Lahore Metro Bussss)

By @kkramster
Ladies and Gentlemen, yesterday the nation was given the news that the fortunes of Pakistan have finally changed! The dream of Iqbal; the mission of the Quaid; the very idea of Pakistan had finally been realized by none other than our very own; The Pakistan Muslim League Noon Ghunn'nah. In one spectacular ceremony quite reminiscent of the February 4th Dharna, the great city of Lahore witnessed, 73 years after the adoption of the Pakistan Resolution, yet another historic moment; one whose usefulness will only extend until the next elections. On display, besides the physical example of how not to spend 70 billion were patwarees, nooras, beans, darbaris, royal tinds, circus shairs and other assorted animals! Those who had the good fortune of being present at the inauguration of the Maha Bull Shit caught a glimpse of everything and everyone responsible for our miserable lives today!

The MBS, conceived in Chotta Sharif's reconditioned brain while snoozing at office (or perhaps subtly slipped into his ear, courtesy of the Mayor of Istanbul posing as Uncle Zia's fairy) is a testament to the innovative thinking of a 10 year old high on weed. The objectives of this colossal project have been defined as taking you from hospitals to graveyards, from schools to labor camps and from the utility store to the nearest Edhi soup kitchen in a timely manner! With the added benefit of being well suited to run over untamable protestors, it truly is an ingenious solution to our problems. Detractors casting doubts over its fruitful effects are advised to compare it with the Motorway; after the construction of which we now have more kids out of school, less doctors per person, more debt owed by each citizen and sewerage water to drink.

Instead of the traditional fireworks, the unveiling ceremony formally kicked off with a game of baseball, using YDA doctors as the balls of course, and showcased a discharging of the Shariffs of Raiwind onto the Metro track before turning into a family photo-op. In the inauguration speech, the CM of Raiwind to Model Town announced several reliefs beside the rabid transportation scheme itself: free passes for the first month to wife beaters, match makers, drug runners and customers of Mushahidullah's desi hakeem outlet called "Mardana Tawana." Loyal travelers will also be awarded frequent traveler miles which can later be redeemed for a get out of a "Lathi Charge" free pass. Brushing aside theories of the possibility of him reading the list of basic human needs upside down, Chotta Shariff said punctuality was a priority for all Lahoris and spending over a billion rupees to save 1 minute of travel is a price he would gladly have the nation pay. Decisions on similar matters in his private business however may differ greatly. Going on to discuss his subjects from other districts the CM announced that they too are welcome to come to Lahore and use the Metro for a timely arrival at the “My kids don’t have anything to eat” Carnival. The final nail in the coffin came when, in a mercurial attack of “awami khidmat” the irascible Ungli walay Baba declared: Lost a loved one at the hospital? No problem. Your Highness has arranged for you to arrive at the funeral well in time!

Such highly charged was the atmosphere that some intellectually challenged mureeds of Raiwind called the project a revolutionary step, causing extreme discomfort to the remains of Che Guevara, while others dubbed it the "Raiwind Tabdeeli Rover" resulting in Pakistan drawing flak from the Curiosity Rover. In the heat of the moment and pandering to the exaggerations of the pathetic crowd, Chotta Shariff went on to claim should the Pakistan Muslim League Noon Ghunn'nah come into power, these multipurpose buses will be attached to rockets and sent on space missions making Pakistan the first country to explore the Moon. Current affairs, it seems is obviously not a strength of PMLN. Anyways personally I believe it wouldn't be unwise to first explore the surroundings of Lahore for signs of life. The CM concluded his speech by reiterating his promise of turning Lahore into Paris but only if he is elected again. For now it is East and West Germany for your consideration.

Later chief guest Mughal-e-Azam Sani, known affectionately as Jeddah Wali Sarkar was invited onto the stage to shower his blessings upon the people. Speaking, as put by one fine upstanding gentleman, “in the official capacity of Yeh mulk mere baap ka he" he promised to file a motion in the UN to include Metros in the list of basic human rights once he is elected PM. His confidence regarding his chances was impressive, notwithstanding the fact that many would find the prospects of a "Rishtay Karanay Wala Baba" becoming our PM highly distasteful. Anyways going on to explain the apparent gibberish blurted by one Anusha Rehman regarding a 33 percent Rate of Return, the Ammer-ul-Momineen told the avid listeners "Aap laug itnay parhay likhay nahin ke yeh baat samajh sakain." Things went slightly sour when a reporter, seemingly unemployed politically or otherwise occupied with freelance work, asked whether Ittefaq sarya was used in the construction. Bara Shariff retorted by asking "yeh live to nahi ja raha." A few hours later the ISI was having a hard time explaining to the CJP how they had nothing whatsoever to do with the missing reporter just as they had nothing to do with a certain bakery boy.

Here we must also take time to realize that as with all projects of such epic proportions, suitable security measures are always an essential part of the plan to ensure their success and unhindered operations. Therefore in the interest of protecting the society from facts, knowledge and a wakeup call into the real world, people dressed in any combination of red and green or those with an MBBS are strictly prohibited onboard. And since PMLN considers it an immoral and unethical practice not to vote "Sum'mun Buk'mun" especially after having been a beneficiary of the MBS, Ephedrine Abbasi has been tasked with collecting the CNICs of all passengers for purposes of vote casting in the upcoming elections. Also discomforting to the PMLN is the arrival of Zardari in his new tax exempt "chugghi" in Lahore. The Shariffs have been losing sleep over the possibility of Zardari taking up the business of selling MBS tickets in black, causing massive losses to the Ittefaq exchequer.

Meanwhile, in entirely unrelated news, there was some confusion when at the end of the MBS trip, kids and adults alike, were not quite clear as to why they had taken up the journey in the first place. Considering when you don't have a job, the hospitals don't have doctors and the schools have no electricity, travelling really does seem a futile exercise. Fortunately, before any further damage could be done, the matter was quickly resolved when they were all handed a laptop and a solar lamp before being put on another bus back home. 

Anyways at the end of the day, one Noora of stunted mental growth was called upon the stage to deliver the final remarks. After looking around sheepishly for entirely unknowable reasons, he announced "Tabdeeli aaye gi nahin, Tabdeeli aa chuki he" to officially bring the ceremony to a plagiarized end. I on my part would like to request all responsible citizens of this fine country to go to Lahore and treat themselves to Matru ki Bijli ka Mandola's hit sequel: Ganjon ki Metro ka Dhandhora!

Commissioned by the Pakistani Trolls Incorporated; Unapproved of by Syana Bacha

The writer is a Freelance Insafian Tweep (:P) and tweets at @kkramster.

Disclaimer: This blog is not an official PTI webpage and is run by a group of volunteers having no official position in PTI. All posts are personal opinions of the bloggers and should, in no way, be taken as official PTI word.
With Regards,
"Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf FATA Volunteers" Team.

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