Monday, December 9, 2013

Taking Chi-Troll

By: Syed Sajid Ali (with some input & editing support from Shah Zalmay Khan)
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This blog by a PTI supporter responds in coin to Mr Nadeem Farooq Paracha's DAWN piece Taking Troll published on 08 Dec 2013.
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Left-wing (or wing-less) Pakistani desi libidos on media & social media (especially Twitter) have developed a remarkable lingo that is all their own. With utter disregard to ground realities and professional honesty (which their stature calls for) they behave like worn-down not-road-worthy beetle cars which run at snail pace, misfire a lot, releasing obnoxious fumes, polluting the air and causing discomfort to others. Lately these biased minds have been so busy lashing out at PTI (whether the situation calls for it or not) that they often contradict their own statements at almost a dozen times per hour. I wonder if these old Uncles and Aunties have actually ended up talking the way they tweet.
Imagine the wife of a boring-to-death libido ask him to bring some tomatoes from a nearby sabzi wala. How would he respond?
Easy: "Stop being such a troll wife, begum. Not eating tomatoes can actually stop suicide attacks. Mufahimat, begum, Mufahimat." There is now very good reason for the wife to worry. Her husband was never so bright to begin with but now he is talking real silly. So she asks him to just do what she is asking him for and also bring some sugar too as the Kitchen has run out of that too.
He gets agitated a bit: "Sugar? What do you want Sugar for? Want to give the nation sugar-coated pills just like Imran Khan gives in the shape of populist NATO supply blockade? Stop acting like killer Jamaatis, begum.
And where is that Youthiani?"
Wife is perplexed: "Who?"
"Your daughter - Areeba. Where is she?"
"She’s busy on her PC. Retweeting @ImranKhanPTI's tweets, I think ..."
"Youthia... No, Troll... Actually Youthia troll... No, Imrani Youthia thus Imrani troll ...!"
By now poor wife has really begun to freak out: ‘What is wrong with you? Are you feeling okay? Is this how one talks about one’s daughter?’
‘Imran Khan is a Talib, begum! What if Areeba was struck by a suicide bomber? How would she feel then?’
"'What? What do suicide bombers have to do with Imran Khan, dear?"
"Everything, begum, everything. Everything that is anything has something to do with suicide bombings. I think Areeba is a Taliba herself."
"What? Have you lost your mind dear?"
"Begum ... I have a feeling both Areeba and you are sleeper Talibanis. How come I have never seen you denouncing suicide attacks, huh?"
"I don’t know much about such things, dear ..."
"Aha! And yet you were crying when you saw that drama queen and witch tell the US Congressmen that she doesn't like clear skies anymore because drones don't fly in cloudy weather."
"Who, Nabeela ...?"
"Oh you Talib troll woman trillion million people die in suicide attack but Imran Khan doesn't care about billion million girls mutilated in suicide attacks but give publicity to one girl you all apologists of TTP Buzdil Khan troll Youthias Jai Hind ...!"
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Just then his daughter comes running and tells him daddy don't forget to  come early its my birthday today. Do remember daddy!
And the libido replies "I hate this Taliban Khan, he doesn't even celebrate birthdays of his kids, how callous he is, such a dual-faced guy, see he wears tuxedo in UK saving elephants and shalwar qameez in Pakistan. Who is he making fool of? Imran Khan you are totally exposed, you have totally lost it".
The 12 years old can't quite make of his father's rant but her eyes go teary. The wife, seeing her daughter in tears, asks the libido "Whats wrong with you dear? If you do that once more to my daughter, I am gonna call Abba Jee (the libido's father who is in his room)".
The libido shouts "begum! don't lecture me to be coward like Imran Khan, I am not BUZDIL like him who can't even condemn TTP, don't worry I will bravely face the tyranny of Abba Jee".
Now the libido looks towards his daughter & starts out loudly: "Imran Khan is all talk; look they have done nothing in KPK and they talk of change? What change? My Foot Tsunami Khan is a beardless Maudoodi; together with JI he is going to radicalise Pakistan; Dollars will never come down".
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Poor daughter starts crying loudly and runs in fear towards her grandfather's room. The Grandfather is pretty peeved. He was offering prayers in his room. But he heard his lovely granddaughter (wearing a Kaptaan Kurta) crying because of his libido son. He comes out and admonishes the libido. The libido is taken aback:
"Ha! And you Saudi-funded Deobandi Mullahs say girls should not drive or wear Kurtas or watch TV or tweet? Shame on you. Admonishing me like this over a girl's tears? I’m off."
Wife finally speaks: "Off to where? That’s my Jahez wali car you are driving".
Father adds: "And thats my house you’re staying in, this is my ...".
"Enough, Deobandi troll Takfeeri Youthia troll youthia Jamaati daddy! You are apologist of TTP. I hope a suicide bomber embraces you. Hehehe Lol.’
"Lol? What on earth is lol?"
"You wouldn’t know, TTP bootlicker - sitting in a cave of North Waziristan. I’m off to launch operation against TTP Chief Fazlullah".
"In Karachi?" Asks the father. ‘We live in Karachi, fool!" And 'whack', he slaps the libido. Meanwhile, the phone rings.
"Anti-Pakistan TTP-loving killers of billions of innocent Americans in Afghanistan. I’m off."
"Off to where?" Asks the wife.

"Off to answer the phone," says the libido, "Must be my 'Saheli' from Capital Radio Channel - to exchange notes on how to bash IK on our show today."
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The writer is a PTI supporter and tweets at @SjPTI.
Edited by: Shah Zalmay Khan - a tribesman from Bajaur Agency (FATA). Shah Zalmay Khan tweets at @PTI_FATA
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Disclaimer: This blog is not an official PTI webpage and is run by a group of volunteers having no official position in PTI. All posts are personal opinions of the bloggers and should, in no way, be taken as official PTI word.
With Regards,
"Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf FATA Volunteers" Team.


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